Originally Posted at Kansas, July 14, 2004
She Haunts My Soul
Author: blueaeryn
Rating: PG
Summary: Set after Natural Election
Spoilers: Up to Season 4 Natural Election
Disclaimer: Not mine.
John wasn’t sure which was worse, not knowing where she was or having her so close and not being able to touch her. It was his decision. She would have come to him willingly, a first in their relationship. But, his pride forced him to push her away. There were just so many unanswered questions and she wasn’t volunteering any information.
Aeryn Sun was back on Moya. He could feel her presence in every aspect of the ship. Her energy, her essence permeated throughout every crevice and it haunted him. Not in the same way it did when she was gone, no this was worse.
Standing in the corner on command he watched her fiddle with the controls on the propulsion board. She was turned from him and her long hair hung loosely down her back. He had never seen her hair this long and John longed to run his fingers through it.
It would be so easy to let it go. Forget all the hurt and just take her into his arms. Did he really care where she had been? If he were truthful with himself he would have to admit that he didn’t. It was the other things that bothered him the most and at the top of the list was the baby.
She didn’t trust him and that hurt. She had gone to others about the baby before him and he felt out of the loop. It was almost like having his other self back on the ship. He felt inadequate, like he wasn’t worthy. After all, she had given herself to the other John and held herself back with him.
He wished he could go back and take her up on her offer to release fluid levels, but again his stubborn pride had gotten in the way. When she had offered, in the manner she did, John had convinced himself he didn’t want Aeryn’s charity. When she came to him he wanted her to do so because she loved and wanted him, not just to release the tension that swirled around them.
He would have at least had that memory, a moment frozen in time of her in his arms. Sharing the pleasure of each other. Now, she had memories with the other him and all he had was dreams of her. In his mind she came to him with open arms and words of love, that she wanted him and she never left.
But those were dreams. In reality the coin flipped in her favor and she left. Now she was back with regret in her heart and tears in her eyes. When she told him that she didn’t see a distinction anymore between himself and the other John, he almost cried out with joy. But then her words hit him she didn’t know who the father of her child was. It hurt, and he couldn’t deny it.
It wasn’t fair. The other him had her love and the joy of her body and now some other faceless man could be the one that fathered the child within her, a child that should have been his in every way.
Aeryn twisted to her left to reach a control and John drew in a deep breath. Hot need coiled inside him. He felt his heart kick up a beat and John scooted back the chair he was sitting in and walked from the room.
As he turned back to look at Aeryn, he noticed she was staring at him. She flashed a small smile at him and John gave her a stony glare. Her smile faded and a pain crossed her face as she turned back to her task.
It ate at John to know he caused her pain, but at some point he had to start thinking of himself. His poor battered heart was bruised and scarred from her and he didn’t know if he could take it much longer. She had left him before, what was stopping her from doing it again?
If Aeryn left again, John didn’t know if he could take it. Staying away, feigning indifference was his defense mechanism, and his only method of survival.
He had learned how to survive in the past half cycle, first on Elack, and then at the hands of Grayza. Thoughts of Aeryn had kept him sane in that time, and now thoughts of Aeryn were doing just the opposite for they were slowing driving him insane.
A shuddering breath coursed through him as John entered his quarters. He could still feel her even though two tiers separated them. She was up there, he was down here and all he wanted was to be with her. To feel her long fingers stroking him and telling him everything would be okay and she would never leave him again.
He needed off this boat for a while, away from Aeryn. Maybe a quick trip in the transport pod, a few laps around the stars and a chance to clear his head, and didn’t Pilot say there was a commerce planet near by.
Decision made, John walked out of his quarters and ran into Chiana. “Where you off to old man?” Chiana asked with a smile.
“I’m getting off this boat for a while,” John said smiling. “Wanna come?”
“You know it.” Chiana took his hand and drug John down the passageway. “I hear the commerce planet nearby has some cool reality games. I’m going to pick up a couple.”
